March 20, 2008

Fear. Real.

I went rock climbing as usual today. Annie and HN got me to try a new wall today.

"It's scary," they both warned me.

Sounds fun already! We decided I should have a go at it, not really to reach the top but more to just have a feel of the fear climbing that particular wall can cause.

And, it WAS scary, all right.

The thing with climbing most walls, even if those 4-storeys high kind in Safra Yishun (I reached the top of that one, on the 3rd try, hehe), is that you need to feel a certain level of security that you are in the good hands of your belaying friend. Most of the time, I have no issue with that at all. I only climb when I know I can trust the person who belays me to not hate my guts enough to murder me or handicap me.

The thing with this particular wall that we climbed today, is that it does not give you the feeling that you are on belay and will just hang quite safely in the air even if you fall. That's to do with the inclination design of the wall and the angle at which the belaying rope is hung. So, even if I do trust Annie (a lot) in belaying me, it was not that assuring at all when I didn't even feel the pull of the rope much.

Boy, was it scary! I just stood there, legs quite wide apart, hands quite outstretched too. I looked down and shouted, "now I know what you guys mean by scary." 'Cos it was! I felt that I couldn't let go of my hands despite HN's encouragement and assurance that I will be able to reach for the further hold, ONLY if I can muster enough guts to let go and quickly grab the other one. The crux was in the guts and speed. Both of which I couldn't summon at that point in time. I just felt that if I let go, I will lose my hold and slip. I will not fall, as a matter of fact. But I will swing out like a pendulum being let go of. Even more ugly, the hold was getting slippery 'cuz of the perspiration on my palm. It was no good, at all.

I had to go for it, be prepared to slip. Or I could just prepare myself to let go and feel like a pendulum for awhile. I did the latter.

So, I swung and swung and turned and turned and caught hold of my belaying rope and was lowered down by Annie.

Oh, I'm telling now. That was damndamndamn shiok. The whole time of wanting to try to reach out, but seriously stumped by fear, a psychological obstacle that prevented me from doing what seemed to be the most sensible but scary thing, and in the end, just letting go and swing in the rhythm of that decision.

Seriously, just recalling it now is making me feel a bit jittery too.

And that's the whole damn beauty of it. How often do I feel any emotion as intensely and as real as what I felt just now?

For that few minutes there, there was nothing on my mind except fear. So much that I realised I was shivering a little up there and my palms were getting wet. And there was this whole adrenalin rush when my feet touched the floor.

I don't quite know how to describe it except it was really intense and scary. Yet, when I was completely safe and had no reason to be scared anymore, I want to go back to it. To stare at that fear in the face again and try (however feebly) to conquer it.

I will go back to that wall again. Just not today. And probably not next week too. My nerves need a little time to settle and get over the mini-trauma.

I lurve rock climbing!

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:13